The weekend.

     Nothing much happened Saturday, except I worked. After making a deal with a coworker to trade a few hours, I worked from 11 to 8 AM Saturday night, then came home for a few hours Sunday morning before going back for another 3 hours. While sleeping, I got a text from Tiffany, and she was on her way over with Kim. They came over and I ended up giving Kim a start on creating a D&D character. We thought it'd be a cool idea for me to come over and run a game at the campsite. But I had a few more hours to work, so I couldn't come over right away. After my few hours at work, I picked up some food from Jay C, and packed for the trip.

     Sunday/Monday in Sumner, IL, was wonderful, despite a few awkward moments. Awkward moments are often compounded by my social awkwardness. There was sibling rivalry, chasing a missing husband, and other "fun" things.
     Before dinner, while it was raining, Tiffany was excited to have me hold her son. I was nervous, at first. But once I had a good grip on him, she smiled. I started singing softly, going over the chorus to the Russian folk song "Kalinka" a few times, then I started singing "Lastlight," by VNV Nation. He started leaning into me. Tiffany's face was practically aglow, and she said to him. "He has a nice singing voice, huh?" She says I was having a calming effect on him. We had dinner, and I got thanks for bringing chicken.
     We sat around the fire, and her grandma mentioned how great it was for all of us people to come together for one good night. That made me smile, because I often sit at home, feeling outcast from the rest of the world. A few people spoke in the silence, and as I was talking to Tiffany, I announced that I had just lost The Game (as I just did while writing this sentence). Some people at the camp were confused, and so she and I explained The Game to them.
     The three of us sat up Sunday night after everyone else had gone to bed. I ran my D&D game. Tiffany, naturally, is a rogue; Kim is a ranger. We last left off with Kim's character in a medieval medical facility, after a failed attempt at jumping from rooftop to rooftop, in pursuit of a killer. An awkward moment came up when Tiffany's cousin and his girlfriend came in to bum a cigarette and smoke. They had to crowd in behind me, and I felt someone rubbing against me, so I was like "What's rubbing against me?" The girlfriend was like "That's me. My leg. Whoo-hoo!" And Tiffany gave her this stern stare and said "Stop it." For a brief moment, you could hear a pin drop on the muddy grass outside. Massively awkward... I felt guilty. After the cousin and girlfriend left, we continued gaming without distractions. They leveled up, and we went out to forage for food.
     We walked out onto the dock and I was awestruck at the sight of the stars. They're hard to see in this day and age of street lights and air pollution. It struck a chord in me. I reached out and held onto Kim and Tiffany, watching God's creation unfold, as it has always done since the beginning. We roasted hotdogs and big marshmallows on sticks, then went back inside and went to sleep. There was a chain reaction of jumpiness. There was a clanging outside, and I twitched, which startled Tiffany, who twitched and hit Kim.
     We were the only ones at camp when we woke up yesterday morning, Tiffany slept in, and Kim and I wandered the site. We tried to restoke the fire for breakfast, but to no avail. The material was too wet from the night before. I helped her level up her ranger, and she was happy that she now has the option to shoot either one arrow at +6, or two at +4 each. I went back inside to sleep a little longer. After which, I went for a swim in the pond, and it felt weird to have all that algae sticking to me. I had to wash up after I got out.
     We had an interesting conversation while looking for something to eat. They talked about getting away from the area in a year or so, and they were urging me to come with them. Almost insisting, actually. I know that uprooting is difficult; but so is losing people you love dearly. I've done that way too many times lately.
     We undertook a project. We went to where Tiffany was living to get her horse, Eclipse, to take to the pasture. On the way to the van, Betsy called. I said "I'm in Illinois, camping with my butch and my doll." Tiffany thought it was cute. The trip to get Eclipse was great. Tiffany even turned the radio down just to have me sing for them. It was nice, and I got calls for encores. We messily coordinated our efforts, and got the project done. I felt awkward again. Things felt odd since then. One funny incident happened that evening, though. Kim and I were waiting for Tiffany to ride to the clearing at the campground. We couldn't see her. All of a sudden, we hear "Kim, George!" She has this cute way of saying my name when she's being all sweet and innocent, pronouncing the 'r' with an 'a', sounding like 'Geoage'. Now, none of my friends reading this are allowed to do that, and I mean it! I'll whoop your asses. LOL But, anyway, we turned around, and there she was with Eclipse. She had taken a back entrance.

     I got a call that I was supposed to be at work at 7:00 PM last night. I never found out about a schedule change, and I hate the feeling that I'm somehow supposed to know things when I'm not directly told. It's the same problem I have when working with people. It's like the old computer jargon phrase GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out). You can't input bad commands and expect good results. It's hard for me to help get things done. There was a lot of fear and anxiety wrapping up the trip. It was a good weekend, but it crashed--thanks, mostly, to my problematic reactions to all that happened around me.
     Despite the fun and togetherness, I couldn't help this underlying feeling that would nag me. I feel invisible, inaudible, and intangible. And the world around me feels... fragile. The best way I can describe it is when you're about to complete the game "Riven: The Sequel to Myst." Before I continue that analogy, let me give a background story. The "Myst" series takes place on these worlds, known as Ages. They are created in a special way by writing Linking Books. But it has to have a stable writing matrix, or the world inside falls apart. Riven was such an Age, and all that was holding it together was an iron plate over a fissure. At the end of the second game, the first-person player has to crack the iron plate; and when this is done, the world starts collapsing in on itself. In times like this, I can feel the iron plate creaking. I know that this time, like others, things will balance out. I've been writing this entry off and on since last night, and so I'm going to go to sleep again.

This past week.

     Monday or Tuesday, I received a friend request from a guy in Indianapolis. I checked out his profile and found him in his work uniform, with--lo and behold--my ex-wife's fake-smiling face and head leaning on his shoulder. She's done this a few times since I've blocked her last year or so; she'll have a friend of hers send me a friend request. Last year, she came to Vincennes with Husband #4 (she also had another boyfriend at the time--a true class act), and they were looking for me. They had this fake "He's our buddy, and we want to see how he is and where he lives" act. I tried the "just friends" thing after the divorce, but she was still controlling and hated the fact that I was attracted to other women. I was afraid that she would also try to get a hold of my female friends, especially Tiffany, my doll.

      Speaking of big, pale-white, stubborn, pains-in-the-ass that don't do shit half the time, except cause me problems, I found out something about my car. It's so rusted underneath, any repair would cause more harm than good.
      My real-life mount may suck, but I got a new one in World of Warcraft. I'm at level 60, and I'm exploring Outland on the back of an ebon griffon. But right now, I have so many quests lined up, I'm going to have to start declining them. I have noticed something in the game since I started playing. I don't find a lot of other players, unless I'm in Stormwind City. Very few other players respond when I speak to them. I did find a guy that I went orc-hunting with a few days ago, that had to leave, but I haven't seen him since then.

      Tiffany's moved in with family, and I spent the day with her yesterday. We had lunch at McDonald's (but I never eat the burgers). Then we hung out and played with the internet.
      Then we went and picked up dinner at WalMart--a few sandwiches and pops and went to the pond/campsite on her grandma's. She introduced me to her family, and they seemed nice. We had dinner and she showed me around the campsite. At one point, she smiled and said "They probably think you're my boyfriend." And I said "Well, they'd be right in recognizing the closeness. We do have an affectionate bond." At that, she nodded in full agreement.
     She wants me to talk to a friend of hers to get a draft horse to keep with those her family has. She said that I should get a draft horse, because after I lose the weight, I'll still look good on it. We talked about my weight, she said it's coming along and not to worry. We also came to the agreement that I would be healthier, but also, easier to snuggle with, because she's often talked about wrapping her arms around me more easily since I started losing weight. But yeah, she wants me to get a horse there, because she wants me to come over all the time to go horseback riding with her.
     She often hinted at wishing that I could spend the whole day and night camping with her and her family. I wish I could have, too. She said that her grandma seemed disappointed that I couldn't stay the night, and that she was a good judge of character.
     We think we'll have more time to spend together, so she wants to teach me Yu-gi-oh, and I will teach her Magic. Also, she may need a refresher course on creating a D&D character, even if I could just put together a one-player campaign.
     And in other news, my doll wants me to get piercings... I don't know what to say about it, but it will be something to be discussed.
     I'm typing while at work, and I just got this craving for rice-noodles. I'm heading to Walgreen's at 11:00. I'll pick up all sorts of noodles... chow mein, soba, rice... damn, I still have 5 hours in this shift. While winding down, I might play some WoW, and send Tiffany a random emoticon just because (she likes roses).