Disappointment.

     I'm watching 300 while typing this blog entry. It seems fitting. A small group of proverbial Davids takes on an army of Goliaths, to mark a partial victory that inspires more Davids to rise up. It's inspiring, although it's an exaggerated retelling of a real historical event, the Battle of Thermopylae. Lately, I've been feeling like I have my back against a wall, and the world is just staring me down. It's been a week of disappointment. I will explain.

     I thought I had been doing well a the women's group home at work. After all, I've been surrounded by women my whole life, so I didn't feel out of place. But, I guess two of the residents and one of the guardians has a problem with male staff being there. My supervisor didn't like that the house was going to lose a staff.
     They explained that I hadn't done anything wrong, but they wanted to get me out of there before someone accused me of doing something wrong. Admittedly, I did have a fear of that, since I was engaged to a paranoid schizophrenic who told the police that I was trying to kill her at every turn.
     However, being taught to be a caretaker since childhood, if I'm assigned to someone, I don't like to give up on them. I make it personal. This is why I haven't quit my other job yet; I'm loyal to the people I care for, over the company that assigns me. One lady even reminds me of my mom (when she lived in the nursing home). And I've become buddies with another. And a third, I like to banter and joke with - I often respond to her "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" with "I'm talkin' 'bout yo' mama!"
     But, anyway, they're moving me to the co-ed group home, which is a further commute. Now, many would say "Why would they have a problem with male staff in a female house, but not have a problem with a co-ed home, where the men there have fewer rules to live by?" To which, I would say "Hey, how dare you use logic and reason in this conversation?" This will start on Friday, the 1st.

     I went to meet with Cammy. The semi-official relationship is now... not. The meeting was a disaster. She was very fishy and introducing me as "just a friend". She didn't want to hang out at her place, claiming her ex-husband was stalking her and running her potential boyfriends off. We ran into her dad. After we sat and talked, she had to go home, and so I went to pick up my car at the local Casey's. I went to their bathroom and saw her dad sitting there. I asked him if she was getting a divorce. He said "Not that I know of." I guess I wasted three or four months being "the other man."
     I told her today that, if she wanted a relationship, she'd have to send me proof that there are divorce papers being filed. Later, she said her grandma and dad were scared of her being with me, and they weren't supposed to know about the divorce. I was born early in the morning, not yesterday morning.
     I'm just done with relationships. Yeah, I'm cool with having benefits with a handful of friends who actually care about me, than have a relationship with someone who "loves" me, or in the case of Cammy, "likes and cares about" me.

     Right now, I need to focus on me. I need to make my first priority my work and livelihood. I need to make my second priority my writing, especially Across the Multiverse - my tentatively-titled series.
     I feel like I need to drown myself in my writings. Right now, I have two stories open, and one of my browser tabs on 4chan, along with Blogger.
     I'm not going to waste time fucking with relationships for a while. My work should take up my days, my writing should take up my heart. And, if along the way, I manage to get some naked cuddling with an FWB here and there, that's fine.

     I guess I need to make my stand against the charging stupid shit.

Saturday.

     We went to Wal-Mart Saturday afternoon. My mind, since that morning, was over-active. Analyzing everything ten steps into multiple futures, overthinking everything, overcreating things at top speed, I was feeling manic.

     We were shopping for Christmas. Christmas has been getting to me these past few years. I'm a fan of Halloween. And I started seeing Christmas ads before then. I felt that the over-commercialization of Christmas was encroaching on my holiday time.

     And there's such a panicked influence on gifts. Everyone's hustling and bustling to submit to the routine of this commercialized holiday. I started feeling anxious. And then I was on the phone trying to coordinate meeting with people.

     Meanwhile, I ran into someone from work, but I didn't recognize her. While I was carrying on two conversations, I had to stop and ask where she was from because I almost had a panic attack from turning it into a mini-obsession. I relaxed a bit after she told me.

     I got off the phone, then a horrid light-sensitive headache happened. I had to shut my eyes for a bit.

     The headache passed, and we continue walking around Wal-Mart while I overanalyzed everything. I got to thinking about things from my past. I had a therapist one time give me a homework assignment - to do the 5 Love Languages quiz. It generated a 1-10 score for each form of love communication. Mine were Quality Time - 9, Physical Touch - 9, Meaningful Words - 8, Acts of Service - 3, Gift Giving 2. This was why, when I overheard people worrying about getting the "right" gift, I felt like I was listening to an alien language.

     When I was a kid, gifts came from two sources - Santa and various relatives. And I never complained about the "wrong" kinds of gifts. If people got me the wrong kind of something, I was grateful, and thought "Well, maybe I wasn't specific enough." If "Santa" got me the wrong gift, I wasn't disillusioned about his existence, I just figured that his workers didn't have the schematics for the right gift.

     Back in the day, when I'd get upset about things as a teenager, my mom always said I was spoiled, and pointed to materialistic gains to make her point. I thought about that, and I also thought about what really made me happy as far as things she did. It was moments watching TV or when she taught me to drive. Then in the no-man's land between the bakery and frozen food section, I started crying.

     This holiday season has been the worst. It doesn't help that I lost my home and my family has been scattered around the world. Nor does it help that the 3rd marked the 8th anniversary of my mom's death.

     Compounding the anniversary of her death was the fact that former vocalist of Stone Temple Pilots, Scott Weiland, died on that same day this year. Yeah, he was a famous person, but he was a person nonetheless. What made it hit home was his ex-wife's open letter she wrote to the public. She basically said that, while he died on the 3rd, she lost her husband and the kids lost their dad a long time ago; all they lost was hope for improved relationships. She emphasized that nothing is more important that spending time with your kids, and addictions can ruin that. It hit home.

     Bottom line is I just feel like a mess.

Overhaul.

     I have a new job new in Petersburg now. It's to the point that my Vincennes job is my part time one. I work at a women's group home. They didn't know if I'd be able to deal with it, but I am. I said that it just comes easy for me because I grew up surrounded by women - single mom, mostly female family friends, etc.

     Things are starting to balance out, no matter how often Shortney freaks out that the sky is falling. For the most part, I like the living situation; but like anywhere, I feel like I'm the observant thinker who wants to see the big picture, and therefore not panic.

     My new job schedule is changing already. Instead of having the last three days off next week, I'll have the first three days off. Which means that, after this Wednesday, I will have Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off (not counting the few part-time hours); then Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off (being the next week), for a total of six.

     In addition to this being a long weekend, Friday is my payday. I'll knock some bills out and get some shopping done. Friday through Tuesday, I'm going to get just a bit tipsy (barring no obligations) and pick at the housecleaning. Also, I'd like to stock up on orange juice and OTC meds because I've been sick. Headache (which started back up before being sick), dizziness, icky taste, etc. I want to take this time to lay low and try to get better.

      After a few months of talking, Cammy and I have come to the conclusion that we're semi-official. We like talking to each other, and we open up a lot, and even have weird pet names for each other, but haven't made a day of meeting and hanging out. Thus, my Facebook relationship is "In a relationship, but it's complicated." It's my way of saying "I have someone special, but it's not totally official."
     This past Thanksgiving, she kept me company all day, since I was working and had nothing to do afterward. She was playing Battleship with her son, and she sent me pics of the gameboard while asking me for move suggestions. That meant a lot to me.

     I haven't heard about anything related to Lynn. That's perfectly fine with me. She can go, I don't know, fall down a hill of brambles and into a piranha-filled lake for all I care. Last I heard, she's already gone through her relationship cycle with the latest guy/victim. I guess my only concern is that is the ego stroke I get when something I predict happens. I would have to say that's one of my major assholean qualities.