Tonight's drive home.

     Tonight's drive home felt a bit liberating. If things go well, this will be the last weekend I make this hour commute north. While the client up there is very nice, and everyone likes him, the commute makes his home hard to staff. Yes, I will take a 6 hour pay cut from each check, I use about half of that money just trying to get back and forth. Plus, it will free up energy to maybe take on more shifts here, locally.
     So, I listened to the new Clutch album and then got in the mood for Voltaire. Something about Voltaire puts a delightfully dark spring in my step. I started puffing my clove e-liquid, and I can; but I have to be careful.
     After a while, I got to thinking about my first (and so far only) acid trip. This was back in 2001, at a hippie/peace-punk gathering. I did a hit off of a paper, and two drops of a liquid. The feeling I got, as if I were in tune with the multiverse, was beyond words. And the laughter. A lot of people loved hearing it. It was shreiking and shrill. It seemed like I was first introduced, and touched the core of, my mojo - or what I refer to as my insane swagger. Even without access to LSD, I need to be in touch with my insane swagger a lot more.
     I did some shopping at Wal-Mart and saw a cashier who, in the face, looked like a younger version of one of my favorite... um... actresses, Peaches LaRue. She's the type of actress that is found under categories like "BBW" and "MILF". Oddly enough, I've seen a few women in the area who have that same face - reddish-brown hair, glasses, pretty face... maybe not the G-cups and curves, but still. I'm a people watcher who likes to point out celebrity look-alikes. A few weeks ago, I went shopping with the group home and saw a guy who looked like George R.R. Martin.

     We had an office Christmas party today at my part-time job. I took my local client there and we had a good time. There was a sweet moment after I recognized a client's name. I'll call her Anna. Anna knows Jennifer (ex of 2014) and her sister (ex from 2007 fling). We talked a bit. Then she flirted with me hard. Didn't know what to say! I was like "Thank you." Now if I could only get my Ellettsville or work crush to tell me I'm really cute. That would be great.

     It's time to put on documentaries about sea life and curl up in front of the TV. It's naptime.

Pre-Christmas ramblings.

     While I know that I don't believe in the Christian concept of December 25th (I see myself as my own lord and messiah and celebrate my own birthday as such), I titled this blog as "Pre-Christmas ramblings" because a lot goes on around me this time of the year. I'm sitting here writing this out while I watch a few episodes of Star Trek: Voyager. I really need to do this more. Maybe it will help me fight writer's block.

     Bronchitis is back! I've been bedridden most of the week. However, it has given me time to work with a new mage character on Skyrim. I've had a love-hate relationship with the temperature. I go from wearing sweats and a heavy T-shirt and covered in a blanket, to wearing nothing with the blanket stuffed in the corner. My sick days have pretty much disappeared.
     My abs and upper back hurt from coughing. I've coughed to the point where I've gagged and puked. I'm sick of this bullshit.
     In addition to bronchitis, my left arm broke out in what looks like hives. I hope they aren't bites. I really don't want to have to deal with that shit.

     I've decided, at least for the time being, to hold off any plans to actively pursue dating my workplace crush. I adore her, she's absolutely adorable, but I figured I should give her time to readjust and just breathe, since she is recently divorced.
     There is also another person I am somewhat interested in. So far, it's just some online flirting that got started on Plenty Of Fish. She's from Ellettsville. Just like I've learned from my past, I have to take my time and watch for red flags. She, too, is really cute; and yes, I'm following my type, since she's short and full-figured.
     Speaking of my past, I found out both of my recent serial monogamist exes (Jennifer 2014 and Carla 2015) got married quickly, and soon after me. I'm not hurt. It's just that... I like to say that you can't predict the future, but with enough information, you can conjecture possible futures; I saw the most likely scenario was that they would keep bouncing until they pissed off the wrong person; but I also saw the possibility of them trying to force themselves to settle, though not as strong a possibility as the first scenario; and I don't like to be proven wrong, even though both exes' marriages were conjectured futures. Maybe it was the heartfelt tell-off letters that made them mad enough to try to prove me wrong about them being serial monogamists? Nonetheless, a marriage license is just a paper and it won't end their instability.
     I guess I'm still afraid of trying the relationship thing again. I don't want another Jennifer or Carla. I talked to someone a month or so ago, and came up with a good analogy. Say there's a town, Relationship City. Lately, I've been settling on the corner of Flirtationship Lane and FWB Way. I've been content here. But I've been restless; I've been listening to talk about what's happening on Steady Partnership Blvd. I get curious, and maybe interested in going to that part of town. But I'm scared, because whenever I went to that part of town before, I got mugged.

     I've been thinking about my mom lately - more than usual. Maybe it's because it's the holiday season; maybe it's because I've been in contact with family in Michigan on Facebook. I hate the fact that she let her addiction get the best of her. I sometimes wish I could pull her alter ego (AKA 'That One Bitch') out of her before it was too late, saying "Get the fuck out of her and leave us alone!" Just rambling. Pissed, I guess.
     But, in lighter family news, my cousin told me he plans on riding down to Tennessee in late spring/early summer, and said he could probably drop by here for a day or so. It would be really good to see him.

     Things at home are holding steady. While, at first, the living arrangement was for mutual financial benefit, we've come to the conclusion that it's just nice to have another person around. On the one hand, if I want to playfully irritate someone I don't have far to go, and on the other hand I have a place where I can sit and think in private. Maybe living alone got the best of me, which (circling back to earlier) caused me to run into shitty relationships. In this current situation, there's someone around to keep me company, but there's no pressure to be in a live-in relationship to retain stability. It's like we went from best friends to adopted family.

     That's all that's on my mind in my personal life. I'm preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best. I'm going to chill for a bit while I re-ignite my one-sided love-affair with Kate Mulgrew.

So, this is what 40 feels like...

     A lot of my friends who are older have told me that I've reached a good age, and life begins at 40. Maybe... but I'm stuck on the fact that I'm a barely published writer who's just now brainstorming wild ideas that I can barely spit out before more ideas emerge. On the other hand, I didn't fully acknowledge my love of writing until I was about 34. And I also need to remember that George RR Martin didn't write the first Song of Fire and Ice until he was 48, older than me. As far as the 40's being a good age, well, today's been good, with me providing a one-man party.
     It's a few minutes after my birthday (no matter what Blogger's clock says, I can't fix it). I had fun. On one of the Facebook pages I follow, a secret one, I declared it BBW Day. I will still post pics of BBW models and actresses (you know... those kind) until I fall asleep. So, I declared it BBW Day, then went to Vincennes to fill out something for my part-time job. I bantered it a bit with a friend of mine who is the new service coordinator.
     A friend of mine took me to lunch at Hibachi. We hung out there for a few hours and I ate sushi, chicken, and soup. Damn good! The friend is an FWB, so there was some flirting going on.
     After lunch, I got some habanero vodka and went to Wal-Mart for some mango juice (see entry about the Phillips head in my blog "The Sacchrine Inferno"). I thought about getting some Magic cards, but I didn't; the idea is still there, though. Meh... I could explore the new set, Kaladesh. Actually, I teased a friend of mine by texting "Bring me blue, black, and blue/black cards!"
     So, I'm hanging out, two drinks into the night, and watching the Blue Harvest episode of "Family Guy." Still posting on the one page (I like big butts and boobs, what can I say?).

This week.

     Fall is finally here! I've been monitoring the turning leaves, having my first tastes of pumpkin pie, staring up at Orion on clear nights, and listening to more gothic rock. And it's past midnight on October 1st; I can now say I'm turning 40 this month.

     It's been a decent week. And it started with my doctor's appointment Tuesday.
     The week before, I went to Quick Care for a twisted joint in my foot, and they did bloodwork to see whether or not the pain was from gout. My doctor saw that bloodwork and said she was happy with my purine levels being 5.1 instead of 8.3, with the target being 6 and under.
     In addition, there has been a 15LB weight loss in 3 weeks. While I'm still too heavy for most scales, I knew weight was coming off because I could comfortably put 2 fingers between my belly and the bottom of the steering wheel. Since I found out about the weight loss, I've stuck a third one on there. I guess tallying up calories, sodium, and carbs is paying off. I told my doctor that, as an RP and trading card gamer, I just included that number crunching mindset to healthier eating.
     She was also very happy with how my lungs sound. I did note less of a back pain.

     Also, this week is pretty decent workwise. A coworker told another that I did pretty well Monday.
     Also, compared to bills, I have been paid pretty decently. I have fuck-around money left over. I was thinking of getting the new Magic set that's out, Kaladesh, but it wasn't available.
      Here's something cool! I know I'm socially awkward in real life and slow to make a romantic move offline. But I finally have news about the workplace crush I mentioned a few months ago, the short, chubby redhead whose perfume smells like my favorite vapor flavor. I finally got the nerve to get her a small gift for her birthday! I got her a $5 gift card to a local coffee chain. She was happy I got it. And I was all goofy-eyed, watching her walk away, to her car. That maybe puts a blip on her romance radar, knowing someone's thinking of her, even with the small things.

     I'm tired. It's my work-gauntlet tonight. I just hope I hold it together by tomorrow evening; usually by then I'm drunk-tired.
    

Limping into Fall.

     With the arrival of September, the leaves are starting to discolor a little bit. Being that fall and winter are my favorite seasons, I see it as a whisper of "Welcome home." The heat and the bugs have been brutal,
     It's gotten cooler, and we've been considering turning off the AC. However, it's still summer, and we know that if we do turn the AC off, we'll get hot again. It's still a bit stuffy in our bedrooms, so the fans are on.
     I've substituted at a waiver home at my full-time job. However, there are bugs and after each time, I've been bitten to hell. Once again, summer has to get its digs in. I can't stop itching, and I look forward to getting naked as soon as I get home whenever I'm out.

     Speaking of work, I'm still getting overtime. The problem with that, though, is that I'm not doing Sunday overnights anymore, and therefore can't spend an hour working with my work crush Monday mornings. Towards the end of last week, though, I told her that she may have noticed that I wasn't there; I forgot that she wasn't there Monday, anyway, being that it was Labor Day. She looked a bit surprised and interested in what happened. I said that they got someone to permanently take that shift. But I did tell her that she'd still be able to see me Monday afternoons, since that's my new extra shift. She seemed relieved... just a bit.
     There's a bit of a problem with a coworker now, though. I was friends with someone long before I worked at the same company with her. My friendship with her had become toxic and I ended up having to cut ties with her. Now, I'm afraid of what she'll blab about me. Now she, along with the rumor mill at work, is why I'm really shy about asking my workplace crush out.

     A few weeks ago, I went to my first appointment with my new doctor. Actually, it's not a new doctor, I saw her in Vincennes, but she moved her practice here (way out of walking distance at the time). Now that I'm in Washington, I can see her again. But I haven't seen a doctor in a while, so my A1C, bad cholesterol, and blood pressure are up.
     I'm taking my sugar every day, and keeping track of calories, sodium, and carbs. The problem is that I'm hitting my sodium limit before I get half-way through my calorie limit; and I'm not even touching my carb limit.

     In other news, I found out about places online that sell cool T-shirts in plus sizes. I've gotten to be a 4x, and that's my limit. I don't plan on getting bigger than I am. There are a lot I want to get, but I'll limit myself to one or two per paycheck. The first one I got was Danger Mouse and his sidekick, Penfold. I remember that one from Nickelodeon. I found another that says something like "College of Winterhold; Teaching the arcane arts for 700 years." The one I got is navy blue and is on the way now.

     And in further more news, my gaming and writing are feeding off of each other. I got into playing Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel. The character I play is a cyborg mercenary with body modification addiction, which reminded me of a character in one of my stories. The story character is a partially mechanical second-mate and security enforcer of a pirate ship, who is succumbing to bod-mod addiction. But I'm careful not to make it seem like I'm plagiarizing. They're both common character motifs, though; and it's really about what the writer wants to do with those motifs.

     I need to nap. Mind's been racing. Less so, now that I've gotten some thoughts out.

Summer: Hot as Fuck!

     I've decided to add more since the original publishing of this entry.

     So yeah... the title says it all. It's so hot that, in the words of Death In June, "tears of sweat cry from your body."
     Making matters worse is the infestation of sweat-bees. I hate them.
     And to top it off, my new client at my part-time work is a very outdoorsy person. So, I'm sweating for extra money.

     Speaking of money, I'm doing O.K. I'm planning on getting my next tattoo soon. And I finally got around to getting 'Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel' and The Sims 3: Supernatural.
     I just say O.K. because surprise bullshit happens and I end up scrambling for money.

     I've managed to stay out of relationships this year. This doesn't include FWBs and flirtationships. Don't need any more Jennifer/Carla bullshit in my life.
     An odd thing did happen recently. I got to flirtatiously chat with someone thousands of miles away. Then she left her phone in one room while she went and showered. Her boyfriend (who I didn't know about) wasn't pleased. I don't like being pulled into an awkward situation, so fuck her. And he handled it like a royal cunt, so fuck him, too.
     But in good news, I do have a workplace crush at my full-time job. I'm not naming names, but she's a short, full-figured redhead with glasses; her perfume smells amazing, like my favorite vapor flavor (clove); she dropped her invisible braces Monday morning, which explains her gorgeous smile; and I've never heard the Southern Indiana twang sound more adorable. She's a sweet woman who's just getting through a divorce, and has been separated for over a year. I know this because we have a very intrusive client who asks everyone he sees a barrage of questions. I wouldn't think she would be ready for the full boyfriend experience, but maybe she would like to have someone take her out for coffee/dinner and flirtation. We seem to hit it off. I often seem to make her smile or laugh, and I like that. I mean, she's a genuine date-crush, not just a sex-crush; I don't look at her and say "I'd bang that" but rather "I'd like to take her out and make her smile more."
     Here's the problem. I don't know how to do this offline. Online, it's easy. This is especially true with people in my flirtationship circle. And if I start talking on POF, both they and I know the intent. But to start talking face-to-face, it's different. I'm especially nervous because it's a work setting; I'm half afraid I'll be accused of sexual harassment.

     All in all I feel mildly uncomfortable and awkward. I think I'll feel more in my comfort zone in a month or so. I'm reminded of this when I see one or two leaves changing in the trees.

Happenings of the Spring/Summer cusp.

     It's late spring/early summer, and I'm overheated, over-thinking, and over-tired; my bank account is underfunded while my car is under-fueled, and people are underdressed while I'm undersexed. I think it sums it up right now.

     My headaches have been flaring up. They're very light-sensitive. Sometimes, when a shaft of light filters into a dim, cool room, it kills me. But rest is helping. I'm not driving up north so much for work, so the commute isn't taxing my energy so much. But, at least the commute lets me think about my writing, which gives me an outlet for the overthinking. The AC isn't helping much with this heat. The only relief I get is when I open my window when the wind kicks up before a storm.

     As far as the financial situation goes, I am pulling in more hours at both jobs. Yesterday, I filled in at a house with two people. I had only been there twice before, when I worked with someone who left a few months ago.
     While the shift itself was pretty boring, it gave me a chance to watch Netflix and write. My "Prose and Pieces" blog will cover the writing part.
     The extra hours (except for yesterday), will be covered on this coming check. This includes my orientation for another new group home I'm in (staff difference required a change in personnel), working on the holiday at my usual house, and covering for a few hours on Friday.

     As far as that last set of complaints, I guess I'll enjoy the underdressed view while suffering through yet another dry spell. All I can do is complain and write... and develop new crushes on every other acter/actress on every other show.
     "There is a beast in man that should be exercised, not exorcised." - Anton Lavey

Cutting it close.

    I'm one of those people who lives from paycheck to three days before paycheck. So, I'm just sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for Thursday night after midnight. I'm cutting a few things close; I just had to cancel Netflix until payday, so it won't automatically bill me and make me overdrawn. I have a quarter of a tank left for my commute over the next day or two.
     I need to mentally and physically prepare myself for this weekend. I work up north at my part time job, then we have to go to state for Special Olympics basketball. I guess it was a good thing that I was chosen from my house to go. With the conversations I've had with my bosses, if someone asks me something stupid about my job performance, I might feel emboldened to give them a sarcastic answer.

     So, until things kick off, it's a lot of waiting with nothing much to watch. With that, I thought I'd watch some YouTube videos. I got into a wrestling circuit called Hoodslam. It has a homegrown, backyard feel, and the wrestlers and audience look like they're having fun. Very reminiscent of old ECW. What's more, some of the wrestlers are dressed like video game characters, especially those from the Street Fighter series. I guess I'll watch a few matches before playing GTA or Skyrim.

Uuuuhhh... shit... Yeah...

     Don't really know what to call this blog entry. Things are going semi-O.K., but things are also getting on my nerves. Seasonal depression is emotionally fist-fucking me. I have writer's block. At least I have income and hobbies to occupy me.

     My new coworker and I took our people to the annual prom that they have. We went to the Dairy Queen in Princeton (which is in Central Time - welcome to Indiana), and that's when I decided to give meds - before the dance. After the dance is when I gave the next round of meds. I've made friends with the new coworker and my friend, Jacqueline, was working there, too. While we were enjoying ourselves and watching over our people, someone from another home came up and said "Did you give them their early evening meds?" I said "Yeah, before we came here, at X:XX, our time." She said "Well, people have been coming up and asking me about that." I got mad and said "If they can't come to me and ask, they can't be too concerned about it. They should mind their own damned business. Tell them I said that, too." I talked to the head of HR about it, and she said that it's not just me, they do that to a lot of people, and there are a lot of tattletales.
     Tonight, my other coworker asked me about meds, and said she was told that I gave them before I even left the house (an hour and a half before I should have). I told her that I'm tired of gossips passing shit around like they're one giant human centipede and she can tell them that I said that. Also, I said it's starting to feel like harassment. I talked to my new coworker friend about it and she thinks it's crazy.
     From what I understand, in group home work, there's a lot of prejudice against male workers (being that it's female-dominated). I've come to understand that they tend to pick at male staff until they quit. If they're trying that shit, fuck those cunts! I'll hang on until they go crazy! I'll come flying out of every closet! Instead of lying low, I'll come out as a bisexual deistic satanic secular luciferian who will speak truth to bullshit! Fuck 'em! By next year, I will attend the prom in a purple prom dress! I will win this!

     I need to cool down by killing people in GTA Online.

Irritated.

     The title pretty much sums it up. Work, technology, etc. Irritated. I haven't written in a while, so maybe I will feel better. I haven't even done anything with Across the Multiverse; I did a bit today, editing a conversation between two characters.
     But even when I'm trying to write, it's difficult, since Avast was fucking up my computer. I couldn't get on Blogger. And sometimes, saving and backing up is a pain in the ass because Windows Explorer keeps crashing. It's been doing O.K. lately, though. No one's read anything I've written, anyway.

     I like my job, but - as always - I'm not happy with my coworkers. In home care, there are always coworkers who talk shit. First, I've been dealing with a resident who hates me; then a few days later, someone told my manager that I sometimes purposely irritate the resident. I know how to irritate people; and if I want to do it for fun, I'm not going to irritate someone who automatically hates me, anyway. Then, I took two people to a Special Olympics event, then shopping. It was a good day, and they were totally cool. So, that evening, I was minding my own business after the paperwork and bedtime, reading some comics, when my coworker said that someone from another house called and said that I left one of our residents in the gymnasium by themselves. This is why I like my job, but hate my working environment. I talked to my manager about it, and she said that she didn't hear anything.

     And, to top it all off, I've been plagued by a light-sensitive headache behind my left eye (occasionally shifting to my right). The Cataflam helped a lot with my gout flare-up, but it hasn't done anything for my headache.

     I think, beyond the irritation, there's this underlying depression. I've been thinking a lot about my mom. Two residents at my work remind me of her. And I've been wanting to visit Michigan. I think that's because I still haven't dumped her ashes into the St. Clair River yet.
     I don't know. I'll nap on it.

Latest happenings.

     I've been feeling great about things since swearing off relationships for a while. While sex and flirting are still a part of what I do, I won't hold out for the whole long-term thing. I was bread in chaos and am still drawn back to it with unstable partners. One of my biggest lessons I've learned in years of therapy. Holding out for a stable relationship will just lead to more let-downs; and I've come to the realization that all my exes were just good sex that came with a fake relationship. So, why deprive myself from all of it? I mean, Anton LaVey even said "There is a beast in man that should be exercised, not exorcised."

     The first part of my first pentology is complete. I'm trying to get a proof-reader. In addition, I've been spicing up my flirtationships by experimenting with erotica. I don't plan on publishing it, but verbal word-play is always fun.

     I'm adapting well to the new house where I work. By living by the Rules of the Earth, I am respectful in another's home, but I try to use humor; but I flex muscle when needed, and they know I know I'm there to do a job.

     That job, however, is in healthcare. In a close-quarters home, if one gets sick, the others do, too. I am having trouble breathing, and I had to call off my Tuesday nights with the part-time company because I couldn't keep anything down. Eating nothing but jello and a bit of soup made me savagely hungry after work.

     The other job screwed with my hours and tried to give me another shift which was way out in fuck-off yonder. It's all a mess there. I called and said I couldn't do that. Really, the only reason I do the hours I do there is because I've become friends with the client's service coordinator and I'm not inclined to leave the client, because he's a cool guy. I guess they now understand that I'm loyal to people, not companies.

     I'm going to go take a breathing treatment and play a game.