I know this will sound rambling, but I need to get this off my chest. Every so often I go through a period of soul-searching and self-thought. "Taking personal inventory" is what I think they call it. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence that this time it's on my birthday.
Over the past 5 years, I've come to re-evaluate myself and positively refine myself. During this time, I have come to embrace philosophies over dogma, live for me and not lose myself in others, walk hand-in-hand with my humanity, discover what it means to be human, vilify toxic traditions, do what I can to turn my "character defects" into advantages, and not be afraid of my wants.
I now understand that I'm not learning disabled but differently abled. I was forged in chaotic dysfunction, but my strength lies in not spreading that to unwilling people around me. I've learned to be in tune with the more benevolent, darkly whimsical side of my chaotic nature, and not try to quell it with dogma and conformity.
Yesterday, I dreamed that something went wrong, and I was just a brain in a jar, surrounded by doctors. I woke up whimpering. I rolled off the couch and saw my mom in the other room. I said "I had this fucked-up dream." And she was getting ready for work and said "Hey, I'm not one to talk to about your damned personal problems." She then shook her head in disgust. Then I looked at her, and said "How did you come back?" And at that moment, I woke up from that dream.
After reeling from the shock of the mom dream (I refer to it as the Outer Dream), I analyzed the Inner Dream, the brain one. I came to a conclusion. I've gotten lost in myself, started living in my head again, neglected my physical self and my environment. I became detached from life and let habits take on a life of their own. So, I've been getting recentered and I remembered something. Although I'm not a practitioner of rituals or magick, I have come to revere nature and embrace the philosophical concepts of the Wiccan rede: "An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will." "If you're harming none, you're free to do what you please." In becoming a slave to routine and habit, which is no better than dogma and conformity, aren't I harming myself?
The answer was yes. Another part of my philosophical outlook is that, as sentient creatures, we were born with somewhat of a form of divinity - the ability to become our own saviors and effect change in ourselves and the world around us. We weren't meant to grovel to a deity that doesn't exist or care, but to uplift ourselves and our species as a whole, and be adversarial to toxic traditions. In living just inside my head and neglecting my immediate world, I went against my ideals and the routines and bad habits became my gods.
So, I've decided to start with small changes. I'm not going to give up drinking and sweets, but I am going to cut back. They only serve to accentuate a fun evening, not take center stage. I'm not going to let past mental or physical injuries discourage me or prevent me from being the bad-ass person I know I am. I'm not a giant scar with a person hanging off of it; I'm an asshole with a heart of platinum, who just happens to have his fair share of scars.
So, with that sleep-deprived rant I want to say that I'm grateful for the birthday wishes thus far, and remember - despite what the conformist youth-obsessed pop culture says, this Chaotic Neutral Anti-Hero is not 37 years OLD, but just getting started!
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