Late last year, I started a POF account. My headline was "Raggedy madman ISO a companion." It was a Dr. Who reference designed to maybe get the attention of other Whovians. I met someone in late January, Lynn (her middle name I came to regularly use). It was wonderful at first, but it ended up emotionally ripping me apart.
When Lynn originally broke up with me in mid-May, she said she couldn't be in a relationship because she needed to take time to focus on her son.
We stayed in touch, and in mid-June, I started getting flirty again and she was cool with it. She also said she was likely pregnant. A few days later, she confirmed it.
For a month, we planned for a baby and talked about possibly restarting slowly. I'd send her sweet notes and she liked them.
In mid-July, she lost the baby. She grieved for a week, then she barely talked much. Her Kik messenger was even off (she told me it was broke or something).
August 28th, her boyfriend messaged me on her Kik, saying watch what I say to her because she's with him. I called her phone and he answered. He was contacting me while she was in the shower. He told me they were talking long-distance romantically since her birthday (a week after the breakup), and that he finally moved in around a week after she lost the baby. No final closure with me, just telling me all along she had been trying to stay busy after losing the pregnancy.
When someone upsets or hurts me, I first lash out. Then I take time to gather my thoughts and then I start writing a rational, thoughtful letter. I did this last year with another flighty ex who didn't know what she wanted. I should compile the letters and write a book called "Anatomy of a Serial Monogamist." I wrote a four page letter analyzing my end of what happened. It was my way of saying "I know what you are, I know how you work. I'm demystifying you to show you I see through you. You can't hurt me anymore." It was one of the most honest, heartfelt, and visceral works I have ever done. I did what I could to be subtly vindictive, and tried to apply Churchill's definition of tact: "The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip."
The Architect from "The Matrix" was right: "Denial - The most predictable of human responses." She responded as others have. She rationalized her actions. She minimized the hurt she caused by downplaying what we had. She blamed me for being upset for not being told that she had someone else. It's what narcissistic sociopaths do when you call them out on their shit. I was frustrated because it was like they say about playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon just knocks the pieces over, shits on the board, and struts around victoriously.
The letter must have served it's purpose. It hit a nerve because she was angry at what I said. She was so angry she called me on the phone instead of texting, as her texts grew more incomprehensible, possibly from shaky hands.
It's been a few days, and I've come to understand what has upset me. I meant nothing to someone that meant so much to me. But that doesn't mean I'm worthless. Art is no less beautiful, just because it was displayed to a blind person. Same for music to deaf people.
Also, I realized I can't fix her relationship addiction any more than I could fix my mom's alcohol addiction. She's done this her whole adult life, and no amount of shaming her or logical appeal will fix it.
The best thing that came of this was that I got to learn how I am when I love someone. I learned the deep capacity of how I can love. I love having someone to shower with tender smiles and random poetry. People were so happy to see me like that.
The worst thing about this, other than the heartache, was that I drifted out of sync with my beliefs. I wasted love on an ingrate, I committed the sin of self deception by ignoring the red flags, I committed solipsism by assuming she and I were on the same wavelength, among other things.
I guess my Dr. Who metaphor fits. In my love life, I'm this quirky weird person who lands in someone's life, provides them with a fresh skewed perspective, and ingratiates himself with his off-beat charm. Then we go one this weird, wild adventure. But my companion ends up unable to stay with me for long. So off I go.
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