Both Dawn and Stacy have been a delight. But, because of recent events, my lovelife has taken an interesting turn. I wish Facebook had "It's really fucking complicated" as a relationship status. Peter Steele would have described it best: "My girlfriend's girlfriend, she's my girl, too." I've kind of fallen for Stacy. She's a lot of fun and is a great kisser. Also, she's a switch.
The girl from the office came to get Trakl yesterday. I need to get my breathing environment in order, and Stacy's also allergic to cats. I didn't think that I was until my doctor said I was, and I realized that the last time I ended up in the hospital was when my roommates had two cats, and my breathing got worse when I hung out with a friend who had a few cats.
It was a little stressful getting the party together yesterday, but it ended up being good. I tried to go get a friend, but I couldn't find the way to get to her, and no one was around to give me directions. I can never find Cannonball Bridge without someone telling me where it is. The Brujah, Jordon, showed up just as Stacy and I were getting into the shower (A make-out session with water cascading over us? Don't mind if I do!). He seemed curious when he found out what was happening. I couldn't help myself, and I said "I'm Sheenin' it!"
No one else answered the party invitation. At least there's still a shit-ton of bean-dip, Doritos, meatballs (5-generation long authentic-Italian recipe), and cake left. Not to mention Kalua, Creme de Cocao, and Clear Spring (not used for cooking) left. I drank just a little bit earlier in the day, so I could sleep it off with a nap, since I couldn't get my birthday night off.
It's early Wednesday morning. I was going to just write this blog and publish it in a few hours, but I think I'll do another extended one that will talk about the next two days as they unfold. I'm at work, and the usual weekday morning routine is in full swing. I'll get off of here, and write more after class and a nap with my snuggle partners.
I didn't get the chance to blog more before this late afternoon. I've been... um... busy. That's all I'll say about that. iUsa la imaginacion! I lost track of time; I'm supposed to be in a meeting at school, but I just woke up. Shit... I just realized, I told some people in my guild I'd be on WoW today. Due to the fact that I had to work on my birthday, I decided to break my celebration in half, and celebrate more today. I probably won't drink after this next drink. Tomorrow, on my scheduled day off, I'm going to sit alone and contemplate being 35 with the rest of the Clear Spring and the PS3.
I just took a nap, and I feel refreshed. I feel like I just have three hours to be with these two people I love, because I have to work tonight, and tomorrow will be spent helping them pack before they go back up north. This hurts, because I know I'm going to miss them so fucking much. I never thought that I would be involved in a polyamorous relationship, let alone an interstate one; the heartache caused by the absence will be doubled. But despite that, I don't think I'd ever want to let either of these two go. I love Dawn's warmth of spirit, feeling of acceptance and belonging she gives me, vibrant pallor in the dim light, and nice soft feel when I hold her. And I love this radiant smile that Stacy gets when she looks at me when we interact closely--our noses just an inch apart, her steel-blue eyes looking at me lovingly, her deep voice and east-coast accent that send chills up my spine, and even the taste of cigarettes on her breath when we passionately kiss. They need to come back soon. Very soon.
I'm at work, and I am bored. I forgot about blogging until just now. Stacy reads it as I'm writing it, and she loves it. She says I'm a good writer. I'm going to miss her so much, but not more or less than Dawn. I just know it will be a little more difficult for Stacy to visit, since she doesn't live just one state away, like Dawn does. As soon as I get home, we plan on turning our phones off and spending time together, just us. They don't argue with people back at their respective homes, and I don't try to obsessively coordinate and confirm all the other events, like work and school. Basically, the rule will be that we don't talk to people who are not physically with us. We'll make that time count. In a few minutes, it will be time to get the house moving this morning, so I'll have to blog more later.
This morning has been going very well. Stacy and I , being two souls that hurt, have been talking and finding a lot of common ground. Within a short while, I've fallen in love with her almost as much as I've fallen in love with Dawn. She hurts, and I'll use my skills as a wordsmith to reveal a new way of looking at things, and then she'll cry. But often, people who see a truth will be upset because the right words make the problem stand out. Then I will say something from the heart as far as how I feel about her or how she should be treated better, and she will give me that gorgeous smile and her steel-blue eyes will light up.
We've pretty much packed, and we've taken pictures. This hurts. I'm going to miss them so much. Soon after starting this paragraph, we've decided that we have to get them moving.
They're on their way back up north. As I figured, I'm hurting. But, I have to remember, there are people in this world who lack the love of one, let alone the endearing bond that comes with the love of two; I have to remember to thank Circumstance and/or Providence for crossing paths with two beautiful souls. I'm going to take a nap. Maybe sleep will abate the pain.
I went to my newspaper meeting this afternoon, then I wanted to find Kitten and talk to her about how I feel. I heard from Dawn and Stacy three times since they left. I'm curled up, but not covered, with the purple fleece blanket that Stacy used to wrap herself up in when she got up to have a smoke and a drink this morning. Needless to say, I've fallen hard. Dawn was hoping we all would, because she said she wanted a woman, too. I just heard from them. They just passed back into Michigan and we said our "I love you"s. Dawn said she felt her IQ go back up 10 points (she's not a fan of the pseudo-hillbilly culture with which Indiana has become synonymous).
On my way back from school, I was listening to VNV Nation's 'Burning Empires.' Knowing that neither of the women I love have good homelives--Stacy's being worse, and knowing that I would have to say goodbye to them in a few short hours, combined with the beauty and lyrical power of the music, I felt a cascade of emotion wanting to overwhelm me. Being a deist, I felt close to having a religious experience. The walk home felt exponentially longer as my logical side creaked and strained to hold it back. Mentally, I felt like the "Little Dutch Boy" holding his finger in the dam. I got home, and I saw Stacy gathering her things, and I quickly walked up to her and held her close. With tears streaming, I kissed her (the combination of booze and cigarettes never tasted sweeter), and said that one day we might have a place. I know that she's afraid of changing her current situation, so I held her while reciting "At first light, lay proud foundations. Sense the greatness that before you unfolds. Seek no more for hollow answers--answers that lay within you all along. Farewell to dawns seen through saddened eyes. Farewell to pasts, to sorrows chained. Forget your fears, and want no more. You will be strong, and want no more. You'll be adored, you will have everything. You will be strong and want no more. Forget your fears. You will have everything. And want no more." She pulled back and kissed me again. And we acknowledged that we'd miss each other because of the distance. Vladimir Mayakovsky came to mind, and I said "Neither quarrels nor miles can wash away love. It has been tested, checked. Solemnly raising indexed lined verse, I swear I love. Immutably, truly." That was meant for both of them to hear.
My sinuses have been acting up and the dander's been suffocating me. Everyone at the party kept asking me about it. And this morning, while just laying still, Dawn and Stacy were really concerned; the latter thinking it was her smoking. I just had another coughing jag. I think I'm going to take my inhaler, relax, and play some WoW or PS3.
It was a good visit, and I know that Dawn and Stacy are reading this at some point tonight or tomorrow. With that in mind, I'd like to say I love and adore you both, and I look forward to seeing you more in the future. <3 <3 Two hearts for my two beauties!
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